An open letter to Robert Sterling Jnr.
I had the misfortune of stumbling across the free lobotomy that is the ‘Total Fraternity Move’ website. This unrepentantly moronic and self serving slice of cyberspace is the host to bloated leeches such as Robert Sterling Jnr., the author of a sparkling piece entitled ‘Why Girls Should Not Cut Their Cut Short’.
Mr RS Jnr, my response is as follows,
It’s totally understandable that you would only bang Jennifer Lawrence ‘if she lost ten pounds’, seeing as she’s such an ungainly heifer (how dare she be a US size 6?!) and I realize that her recent foray into short hair has like, totally killed your boner and I’m sure J Law is crying diamond encrusted tears at your brutal rejection. It’s disturbing that a legion of women would want to follow in her atrocious footsteps like glassy eyed drones and desecrate the follicles of their femininity. But thanks to your timely and hard hitting journalistic efforts, this crisis can be averted! Thank you so much for your unsolicited advice. On a deeply personal level, you’ve really helped me sort out my hair related existential crisis. Thanks to your magnanimity, I now know that my rocking scissor fade acts as a forcefield which repulses every man in my immediate vicinity, and if I continue with this madness I’ll end up living alone with an army of cats. Oh, and being the dried up fusty spinster that I am, I’ll spend my days spinning a loom. Ultimately I’ll die by choking on my preheated meal and my corpse will rot for days until it gets reported by a concerned neighbour. Thank you for saving me from this dreaded fate RS Jnr! I am eternally indebted to you.
Now listen up all you hussies who want to chop off their lustrous, seductive, man ensnaring locks, THINK BEFORE YOU CHOP. Don’t you want to be wifed up? Especially to the masterpiece of masculinity that is RS Jnr. Don’t you just love an overtly controlling man who likes to police your appearance? It’s just soooooo Christian Grey.
What’s that you say? You don’t live for the approval of men? What utter hogwash says RS Jnr! ‘If you’re in the female sweet spot, between the ages of 18 and 28, you certainly want to impress men.’ RS Jnr is clearly an expert on women, you can’t argue with his unequivocal stance.
You want to know why short hair is so repulsive? Not to fear feeble minded females, RS Jnr has explained it to us in simple words even we can understand.
Argument 1: If Celebrities can’t pull it off, neither can you!
He cites Emma Watson, Anne Hathaway and Beyonce as examples. Total knockouts with long hair. But as soon as they divested themselves of their follicular magic, they are nothing but desexed carbuncles. But, surely RS Jnr, surely someone looks good with short hair? No? Well, you must be right. If famous babes can’t do it, how will a mousy mortal such as I dare to aspire to such a thing? I won’t cut my hair.
Argument 2: You will stand out.. But not in a good way.
In the eloquent words of RS Jnr, ‘There are certain things about girls that a guy only notices if they are spectacular or spectacularly awful. Tits, ass, legs, and a couple other things stand out regardless, but a girl’s eyes are only worth noting if they look photoshopped in real life or if they are hanging out of their sockets.’ Thank you for those incisive insights. Now I know that regardless of my personality, intelligence, sense of style or interests, men are only interested in the size and perkiness of my lady lumps. Unless there’s something really revolting besmirching my appearance like if I’m ‘covered in acne’ or ‘dress like a moron.’ Or even worse, that ‘spectacularly awful’ pixie cut.
Argument 3: They Amplify your flaws to other girls.
So ladies. It’s not all about seducing men. You know how judgmental other women can be. Those bitchez. Do you really want to give them more ammunition? In the immortal words of RS Jnr, ‘All of those odd insecurities you have about your looks are only highlighted with short hair. Other girls will notice them immediately as well. If you have bad teeth or some other sort of imperfection, with short hair, you’re putting it front and center.’
I mean, we are rabidly competing for male attention, so it’s inevitable that we’re constantly sizing each other up in this evolutionary rat race. Like, I remember seeing this girl with a pixie cut at this coffee shop, and her haircut made me realize she had four rows of buckteeth, a third eye and she clubbed baby seals in her free time. Long hair would’ve disguised those disfigurements. This could all have been avoided if she’d just listened to RS Jnr.
So remember women of the world, short hair isn’t attractive. Well, Robert Sterling Jnr. thinks it’s unattractive, so it must be objectively unattractive.
P.S. Just in case you misunderstood my meaning RS Jnr, I would also like to provide you with a visual representation of my feelings towards you and your blog.