Cracked Christmas

I think we British people compensate for all the emotional repression by going a bit nuts at Christmas. Well. British nuts. As in drinking too much baileys and giggling at undies ads on TV. And English people in Australia/NZ at Christmas is even crazier. The only concession English people make to heat is rolling up their sleeves to the elbow. (Never above.) This produces heat-styeria, and consequently we are incapable of doing anything. At all. Even cereal is too much. We just pipe food into our rooms and lie on our back moaning about the heat.

But it’s not just the English who go nuts at Christmas. Everyone does really. That’s why we have some crazy Christmas traditions that we just do, because it’s Christmas. So here are some Christmas traditions you really need not bother with.

1)      Family parties. I don’t know about you, but my extended family parties are as enjoyable as Gastro. They’re boring. They’re painful. And they leave me feeling as isolated as a teetoler at Octoberfest. Everyone gets passive aggressively angry and almost doesn’t pass you the sandwiches . And it’s all over something that you said thirty years ago, on a Tuesday night at 5.58pm. So just don’t go. Or if you have to go, do what I do and be as annoyingly obnoxious as possible. Then everyone else will share your pain.

2)      Getting obsessed over being single/attached/confused… Christmas seems to be the time when everyone you know, gathers around and pokes your private life with a stick. “When are you going to get a boyfriend then?” or “ Jimmy’s on parole, he’s always liked you..” or “oh are you really bringing that..boy…to Christmas lunch?” It’s mandatory for your private life to be insulted. Don’t let it get to you. People who have an opinion on your private life are normally looking for a distraction from their own. If you’re single. That’s fine. If you’re not, that’s fine too. That’s it.

3)      Over/Under Eating. Christmas has a perverted relationship with food. We spend all our time trying to make the best mince pies and chocolate log. Then we don’t eat them for ages because we’re watching our figure for the New Year’s party. Then we nibble a truffle, lose it, digest three boxes, then are wracked by food guilt for the next month. Women! Reject the patriarchy! Stuff cranberry and brie into every available orifice! Liberate yourself with those pickles! Or at least just accept that you’re going to eat shit food, and have a plan to work in off.

4)      Getting sentimental. Just because it’s Christmas, it does not mean that I want to forgive and forget with you. Christmas does not counter the fact that you were a bitch. So take your desire to clean your conscience, masquerading as a desire for Christmas cheer, elsewhere. When I have forgiven you for eating all the macaroons, you will know.

5)      Getting with the person who you have had a half crush on for ages, but don’t really like. Don’t do it. Don’t. I know everyone else is, but don’t. If you’re doubting, there’s a reason. Don’t make a mistake that will mean you’re trying to be sensitive whilst explaining, over text, with a hangover, that you only wanted this person for sex.